I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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