Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
