please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
