now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
