My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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