I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
