She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you had me at cake vodka
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
