My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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