Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
