were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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