he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
