I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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