I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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