I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
