and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
