my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
