so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
