Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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