It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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