I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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