he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
