I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
