I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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