Don't make out with my wife yet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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