my phone needs a breathalizer
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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