I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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