I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
