Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
