Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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