I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
