Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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