My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
