Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
