Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
