Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize