She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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