Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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