I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize