When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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