You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
