The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
NoShamevember. You game?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
