I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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