I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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