ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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