im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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