Apparently you make a good broom.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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