evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
