Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
