the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
