the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
