I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
