Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
