Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
