he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
