and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
