this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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