There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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