I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
