the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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