LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
