I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
