Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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