# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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