Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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