remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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